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[ the things you say when you're insane ]

“I --

1. -- love bagels.’


2. -- miss dogs.’

Okay, well. Kind of.

3. -- need to hit the head.’

Gee. Romantic.

4. -- want squash. For dinner. Cause. I love squash.’

Okay, that´s not even true!

5. -- really, really… have to take a shit.’

What is it with me defaulting to bathrooms?

6. -- forgot what I was gonna say.’

Lie, lie, liar!

7. -- need to clean my gun.’

Despite the fact that I just cleaned it two hours ago.

8. -- wanted to say that-- I-- really love the way the sunset looks on this planet. All. Orange.’

As opposed to pink.

9. -- can´t remember my Mom´s laugh. Yeah, I know that was out of the blue. I don´t want to talk about it.’

Where the fuck did that come from?

10. -- love shrimp. Or. What passes for shrimp here.’

Actually. That´s true.

11. -- nevermind.’


12. -- oh, hey, is that steak?!’

So I can shove the steak knife into my eye?

13. -- uh. God it´s late. I should go.’

Where did my balls go? No, seriously, I want to know!

14. -- just wanted to say that I really, ya know-- like having sex with you. It´s. Comforting. Wait, where are you going? It was a compliment!’

Really, really smooth, John. Comforting? Like a couch?!

15. -- have to check on my eggs. Cause I was cooking them. Um. Boiling. I forgot to add salt. Yes, I can cook! How hard is it to boil eggs?!’


16. -- have you seen Teyla? I´ve got a strong urge to get my ass kicked.’

Very, very, extremely true. And preferable to this.

17. -- love you-er mouth. On my… cock. It´s um. Really great.’

I really need to stop saying shit like that.

18. -- love chickens. Yeah, I don´t know where that one came from either.’


19. -- kind of really sort of like what we have here. With us. You know? Hey, look, there´s a shiny thing over there, wonder what it is!’

Hello, my name is Sally, and I like shiny stuff.

20. -- don´t know what´s wrong with me.’

Oh, honesty! I can do honesty!

21. -- have something to say. It´s important. Um. Later. I´ll tell you later.’

Halfway there. Almost. Maybe if Rodney pressures me enough I can spit it out.

22. -- really just can´t do this anymore. It´s not you. It´s me. No really. It is.’

Did I just break up with him? Cause I really didn´t mean to do that.


When he looks back on it later, he sees how pathetic he is. He´d known it then too, but that hadn´t changed the fact that it took him 23 tries to finally be able to say it.


23. –- didn´t mean it.’

Rodney looks up from his laptop, mouth turned down in a frown. “I´m sorry?’

“No,’ John says, shaking his head and walking into Rodney´s room, turning to make sure the door closed behind him. “No, I´m sorry. I didn´t mean it.’

Rodney closes his laptop, turning his full attention to John. “Didn´t mean what?’

“To break up with you. I didn´t mean to say that.’

Rodney smirks slightly and uncrosses his legs. “Yeah, I kind of thought that was out of left field.’

“Yeah,’ John says, walking towards him slowly. “It kind of just came out.’

“That´s been happening a lot with you lately,’ Rodney says, his voice going soft and his eyes smiling even if his face isn´t. “I was starting to think you had some sort of late on-set tourettes or something.’

John brightens, his eyebrows darting up. “Maybe I do,’ he says hopefully.

Rodney laughs then, reaching over and putting his hand on John´s neck, squeezing. “Let´s try it again.’

John freezes, looking at him. “Um.’

“Come on, just say it.’

John swallows. “What makes you think I have something to say?’

Rodney leaned in closer. “Does it make it easier if I say I know what you want to say already, and my response is me too?’

John jerks away, staring at him. “You… know?’

Rodney shrugs. “I think I do anyway. Can´t be sure until you say it.’

John nods, standing and starting to pace. “The thing is. I.’


John grimaces. “Um. I kind of.’

Rodney rolls his eyes. “Come on.’

John glares at him. “It´s not like I´ve ever done this before Rodney! I´ve never said this before to anyone I wasn´t related to, and even then? Not all that often, and never first!’

Rodney just grins at him and folds his arms. “I´m waiting.’

“I--’ John flails his arm, hitting himself in the leg in the process. “I kind of… don´t… hate you.’

Rodney nods. “Now take the negative and turn it into a positive.’

John´s face scrunches up. “I definitely don´t hate you?’

Rodney sighs, standing up. “Fine, nice seeing you today Colonel, now if you don´t mind--’

John watches helplessly as Rodney opens up his laptop. “I… I the opposite of hate you?’

Rodney taps at his computer. “Work-ing.’

“I´ve never felt the way I feel about you before, Rodney,’ John says, feeling like he´s about to spin out of control and start doing jumping jacks or something just to get Rodney to look at him again. “Cut me some slack?’

“Three months you´ve been walking around like a jackass that doesn´t know how to talk,’ Rodney says, still tapping away at his laptop. “You´ve told me you had to take a shit no less than three times.’

(Okay, so John didn´t factor in the repeat excuses into his tally of 23. Because that probably would have added up to be something around 50 and that´s just… god. Pathetic doesn´t cover that.)

“It´s not that easy, Rodney!’

Rodney looks up. “It is. It´s three words. I love you. I love you John. See how I said that? How it just came out? I love you.’

John feels sucker punched and sucks in a breath. “You love me?’

Rodney´s face screws up into a look that was previously reserved only for Kavanaugh. “Yes, you unbelievable idiot!’

John blinks. “Me too. I do too. Love. You.’ He takes a deep breath and closes his yes. “Iloveyoutoo.’

“Say it with your eyes open.’

John opens his eyes and glares at him. “Rodney!’

“Fine,’ Rodney says, gesturing at his laptop. “Excuse me.’

“Fine,’ John yells, falling to his knees in front of Rodney, grasping at Rodney´s knees. “I love you. I love you, are you happy now? I said it! I love you, Rodney McKay, you insufferable, egomaniacal, annoying jackass!’

Rodney blinks and then he smiles, a wonderful, brilliant, lights-up-the-whole room kind of grin and John was forced to match it.

“It´s like pulling teeth with you.’

John laughs. “I know. I don´t know what´s wrong with me.’

“It´s like you were constipated. You had the face and everything.’

John frowns. “I had the face?’

Rodney nods, reaching up and cupping John´s chin in his hand. “Yeah, the I have to shit but can´t face.’

John feels himself blushing and hates Rodney a little in that moment. “Shut up. It´s not easy for me.’

“That´s okay,’ Rodney says, and then he kisses John and everything that´s been spinning around his head for the past three months finally settles into place. “Idiot.’

“Jackass,’ John says, grinning from ear to ear. “Now put your laptop away so I can fuck you.’

All feedback much appreciated!
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