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[ r e a l i z a t i o n ]
Banky looked down, his eyes resting on the last issue of Bluntman and Chronic. Wow, a blast from the past, he said, picking it up and starting to look through it, smiling to himself. As the memories washed over him he heard the tubby fan saying something about the copy being worth a lot of money and looked up at him. I expect a kickback, he said, winking and going back to looking at the comic. It was painful to look back over the work he and Holden had done together, but at the same time brought back how close they had been. It was difficult to accept that they hadn´t spoken in nearly 10 months, and hadn´t seen each other in almost 12.
Suddenly he got an odd shiver in his spine, the kind that made the hairs on the back of your neck stand up. He looked around the comicon and his eyes came to rest on the tall lanky frame of the man he´d just been thinking about. Holden smiled at him and Banky managed a half smile in return. Holden held up a copy of Banky´s book, Baby Dave, smiling and giving a thumbs up, accompanying it with an appreciative nod of the head. This time Banky´s smile was real and he shrugged his shoulders.
Leaning his head to the side he motioned with his eyes to where Alyssa sat, pointing behind his back to make sure Holden saw what he was referring to. Holden looked and smiled slightly, shrugging his shoulders. Banky held up his hands and brought them together in his and Holden´s patented shared moment hand signal, shrugging, telling Holden to go for it.
Holden glanced again and Alyssa and shook his head, looking back at Banky. Suddenly he wasn´t sure if he should follow his gut, but he did it anyway. He smiled and shook his head no, instead pointing at Banky and then himself. Then he mimicked Banky´s shared moment gesture and waited for Banky to make his next move.
Banky sat in shocked silence for a moment, comprehending what Holden had just said. A million emotions ran through his head, the most prevalent among them fear. He took a deep breath, looking at the line formed before his booth. He looked at his watch and then back at Holden, who was patiently waiting for his response. He noticed that Holden looked incredibly nervous and smiled to himself, relieved that he wasn´t the only one. He nodded and held up two fingers, motioning to the side door of the convention, the one that led to a private room. It was a room only convention participants could get into, when they needed to collect their thoughts.
Holden nodded, looking towards the door. Two minutes,´ he thought to himself. He nodded again, smiling at Banky. Holden walked over to the door and leaned against it, staring at his feet. Two minutes and it´s either all over, or it´s a new beginning. I don´t know if I can do this. What if he hates me?´
Banky watched him lean against the door, ignoring all the fans gushing about his book as he quickly and quietly worked his way through the line, barely managing a smile in their general direction. What is Holden doing here,´ he thought worriedly. Why does he want to see me? Why are you doing this to me, God?!´ Looking at his watch he saw it had been more like three minutes by the time he´d made it to the end of his line, and he stood before another straggling fan could come up to his table. He put his I´m taking a leak, deal with it! sign up and took a deep breath, knowing that if he stopped to think he´d lose his nerve and just bolt out of the convention.
As Banky neared him Holden felt his pulse quicken and he had to fight the urge to turn and run. If this turned out badly, he´d rather have not done it at all. Certainly not here of all places. Maybe this was a bad idea,´ Holden thought to himself. I should have called him had him meet me somewhere.´ It was too late now, though, because Banky was by his side and silently fumbling with his comicon pass. I was afraid you wouldn´t show up, Holden said, managing to sound at least halfway lighthearted.
Banky looked up at him and felt his heart leap into his throat. He tried to laugh past it as he worked the key into the door´s lock, cursing when the red light didn´t flash to green. Stupid fucking things, I hate these cock knocker key pass pieces of shit.
Holden laughed at that, never having forgotten his friend´s propensity for mixing all his curse words into new phrases. He reached down and took Banky´s hand in his, guiding the key into the hole and quickly pulling out, thumping Banky on the back when the light flashed green.
The jolt Banky felt when Holden touched his hand froze him to the spot and he could only stand there and watch as Holden guided it into the hole and quickly pulling it out. When the light flashed to green his eyes flicked up to Holden´s and he smiled as Holden thumped him on the back. He reached forward and turned the door handle, laughing as it opened and walking inside.
So, Banky said, turning to face Holden and crossing his arms in front of him. What´s up?
Holden looked down, sighing as he shut the door. Banky wasn´t going to make it easy, was he? What, no hug? No hey, how´s it going? No I´ve missed you? Just what´s up?
Banky felt his shoulders sag and he smiled, holding out his arms. Well come the fuck on then, he said, gesturing for Holden to come to him. If Holden wanted a hug, he had to come to him.
Holden took two quick steps forward, drawing Banky to him, regardless of whether or not Banky had been joking. The instant he was in his arms he didn´t think he would ever let go. He didn´t think he could. I´ve missed you, he said softly, turning his head and kissing Banky´s temple lightly, squeezing tighter.
Banky felt as if the wind had been knocked out of him. The floor was no longer below his feet, and he was no longer on this earth; and then suddenly everything fit, and everything was right again. He was with Holden, and everything made sense again. He buried his face in Holden´s shoulder, trying to squeeze the tears threatening to come out back in. Me too, he mumbled back.
Holden pulled back and grabbed Banky´s face in his hands, forcing Banky to look at him. God damnit, Banky. God damnit, why did you leave, he choked out, tears shining in his eyes.
Banky was shocked to see the tears in Holden´s eyes, having thought he was the only one who´d missed their connection. I I had to.
Holden´s face registered anger for a second, but then it softened to sadness again and his shoulders slumped. No you didn´t.
Banky nodded, feeling Holden´s hands loosen their grip on his head but hoping that Holden wouldn´t drop his hands just yet. He liked the feel of Holden´s hands on his face, big and warm and comforting. Holden, I couldn´t stay there
Holden shook his head, smiling. He rests his forehead against Banky´s, shutting him up. But if you´d have stayed you would have known I realized something.
Banky closed his eyes, taking a deep breath in. Being this close to Holden after having realized his feelings for him was too much for him to take. He was going to have to get out of here soon before he crumbled into a million pieces. Realized what?
That I love you.
Banky´s eyes flew open and he backed away, Holden´s hands slipping from his cheeks. What the fuck are you talking about? Is this some kind of sick fucking joke to you?
Holden shook his head, stepping forward and catching Banky´s shoulders, not allowing him to retreat further from him. I love you Banky, it´s as simple as that.
Banky let his head fall forward and he closed his eyes, understanding. Holden God damnit, Holden, don´t do this.
But it´s true, Holden said, reaching forward and picking Banky´s chin up. I´m not saying I love you as a friend Banky, though that is undoubtedly what you´re thinking I mean. And I´m not saying I love you cause I´m confused. And I´m not saying I love you cause I miss my friend and I´m willing to do this to get him back, though I´m sure that´s what you´re telling yourself. He looked into Banky´s eyes and smiled. I´m saying I love you cause I´ve realized I always did. I´m saying I lay in my bed at night and I think of you and it hurts me to know that I might never see you laugh again. It hurts me to know that I might never hug you again, or touch your hand. It hurts me to know that I might never look into your eyes again. I miss all that shit, Bank. I miss the laughs, the tears, the silence. I miss fucking everything, I miss you.
Holden, I miss you too, but
Holden shook his head, not finished. And I lay there in my bed and night and I think of you and I realize something. I don´t miss my friend, cause I know you´ll always be my friend. I know I can always count on you, and that if one or both of our stubborn asses would just fucking call each other, we could be friends again. Maybe not as close as we once were, but when the chips fell down, I knew you would be there for me always, and the same went for me.
Banky shook his head, trying to back up but Holden´s grip on him was too tight. Holden don´t fuckin´ do this to me it hurts too much.
Holden smiled and almost laughed. It hurts too much cause you think it´s gonna come to the inevitable shoot down, but it´s not. So let me finish. He took a deep breath, looking at Banky. His right hand came up and cupped Banky´s cheek, smiling when Banky closed his eyes and leaned into it. I realized I missed the chance of something more. I wasn´t mourning the passing of our friendship, I was mourning the passing of the opportunity for us to be something more. He ran his thumb across Banky´s cheek, across the stubble, smiling at the slight tickling-scratching feeling it created against the pad of his thumb. I wasn´t dreaming of playing fucking Sega with you, Banky, I was dreaming of holding you.
Banky shook his head slightly, not willing to believe it was true. Holden, look
Holden laughed lightly, causing Banky too look at him. Fuck, Bank, why do you have to make it so hard? His hand traveled back to cup Banky´s neck and he pulled him closer, his lips inches from Banky´s. I fucking love you, deal with it. His other hand came up and wound in Banky´s hair, pulling him slowly forward till their lips met in a soft kiss.
The instant his lips touched Holden´s Banky felt his whole thought process hiccup and short out. He melted into Holden and his hands went around Holden´s waist, pulling him closer. He felt Holden´s tongue flick against his mouth and he shuddered, opening his mouth and letting Holden in. As Holden´s tongue touched his he let out a slight moan and crushed Holden against him, deepening their kiss, returning it with a fire inside him that he´d forgotten he possessed.
Holden´s right hand made its way to Banky´s shoulder and he took a slow step forward, allowing Banky time to respond. When he did he continued to walk forward until he had Banky against the wall, pressing into him and deepening the kiss further still. His hand traveled down Banky´s frame until it came to stop on Banky´s hip, fingering at the edge of Banky´s shirt.
The feeling of Holden pinning him against the wall, his body pressing into him, was almost more than Banky could take. When he felt Holden´s hand go under his shirt and touch at his bare skin he was afraid he´d come right there. Without even knowing it he let out a low guttural moan and arched into Holden´s body, pressing their waists together. He almost protested when Holden´s mouth left his but the protest died in his mouth when he felt Holden start on his neck. He let his head fall back against the wall with a dull thud, breathing in sharply through his nose when Holden bit down lightly on his collarbone. Fuck, Holden, he whispered.
Holden licked up Banky´s neck, biting gently on Banky´s ear, smiling as he heard Banky make barely audible moaning sounds in his throat. Say it, Banky. I want to hear you say it.
Say what, Banky groaned out, his hands gripping Holden´s shoulders, holding him tightly.
Holden kissed his neck again, then pulled back and looked at Banky. That you love me. I want to hear you say it.
Fuck, Holden, Banky said, reaching out and winding his hand into Holden´s hair. I love you, he said passionately, locking eyes with Holden. I love you, he whispered again.
Holden attacked Banky´s mouth with his, kissing him with even more passion than before, fueled by Banky´s profession of love. As he worked his tongue inside Banky´s mouth his hand worked it´s way down Banky´s hip, coming to rest on top of Banky´s crotch. Feeling the bulge inside Banky´s jeans he moaned into his mouth, his hand reaching up and unzipping Banky´s jeans.
Banky gasped as he felt Holden unzipping his pants, pulling back slightly, his eyes wide with fear. Here, he whispered. Holden, I
Shhh, Holden said, reaching his hand inside Banky´s pants and through his boxers to hold Banky´s cock. I´ve dreamed about this so many times, Bank, just let me experience it
Banky let out a half-moan, half-cry, his head once again falling back against the wall. Fuck, he said, breathing rapidly. I´m about to come and you´re just fucking holding it.
Holden chuckled slightly and kissed him softly. I am too, and you haven´t even touched me.
As Holden began to stroke him lightly through is boxers Banky´s fingers tightened on Holden´s shoulders, breathing through clenched teeth. What if someone comes in, Holden?
Fuck them, Holden said quietly, staring at Banky´s face, entranced by the expression of bliss on his face. God, he whispered. You´ve never looked so beautiful.
Banky let out a half laugh, though it came out as more of a moan. Fuck you, I´m not beautiful.
Holden laughed, leaning forward and kissing Banky again. Yes you are.
Banky started to speak but his voice caught as Holden´s pace quickened slightly. Finally regaining control he opened his eyes and looked at Holden. I´m not beautiful can´t you fucking say hot? I´m still a guy after all.
Holden laughed, quickening his pace again. Despite what he´d said he didn´t want anyone walking in and ruining the moment. The quicker he got Banky to his climax the quicker they could get out of there. Is that what´s bothering you? Fine, Banky, you´re hot. You´ve never looked hotter if we were in my apartment I´d throw you down and fuck you right now
Fuck, Banky cried out, his voice straining. God, Holden, he said, bending his head forward and burying it in Holden´s neck, panting. I´m about to fucking come
I can´t wait to get my mouth around your cock, Holden whispered, surprised not only by that fact that that was true but by the fact that he said it out loud. Holden had never been a talker´, but for some reason with Banky he just couldn´t shut the fuck up. You´re so fucking hot, he muttered again, bending forward and biting gently down on Banky´s neck again, licking and kissing the spot when he let go.
He would have said more but suddenly Banky was biting down on Holden´s shirt and bucking his hips, wracked by the most exquisite orgasm he´d ever had. Holden wondered for a second where he was going to wipe his h ands off but his thoughts were quickly interrupted by the sagging Banky in his arms. He laughed lightly and repositioned Banky so he was leaning against the wall instead of sagging against him, holding him in place by his shoulders and grinning at him. You alright there, Bank?
It was a while before Banky could catch his breath enough to speak, and he was vaguely aware of Holden pulling up his pants and zippering and buttoning them. Fuck, he said finally, breathlessly. Fuck Holden.
Holden smiled, bending down and kissing him softly. I´ll take that as a compliment.
Banky leaned his head against the wall as Holden positioned himself beside him, leaning against the wall with his shoulder and looking at Banky. Since when the fuck do you talk like that, he said, looking at Holden, the lust still burning bright in his eyes. I´ve heard you with women, Holden, and you never fucking talked like that.
Holden blushed slightly, looking down. I´m sorry, I don´t even know what came over me I guess I just got caught up in the moment.
Banky looked down, checking to make sure his jeans were zipped up and button properly. Oh, don´t get me wrong. I certainly got off on it. I was just fucking surprised.
Banky turned to Holden and grinned and suddenly Holden felt as if he were about to cry. God, he whispered, reaching out and taking Banky´s chin in his hand. I´ve missed this fucking smile.
Don´t tell me, Banky said, his smile widening. It´s beautiful, he teased. He looked at Holden and his smile faded as he saw tears in Holden´s eyes. What´s wrong, Holden?
Holden shook his head, laughing and reaching up to swipe the tears from his eyes. Nothing.
Banky felt his chest sink, and the air leave his lungs. You regret it, he said softly. You changed your mind. He closed his eyes in pain and looked away from Holden, pushing away from the wall. I fucking knew
Banky, God damnit, you don´t know shit, Holden said, reaching out and grabbing Banky´s elbow. You´re right, I do regret it. But you´re wrong about why.
Banky shrugged his shoulders. Whatever, fuck it Holden
No! Not fuck it! What I fucking regret is waiting a God damned year! Hell, fuck that, waiting fucking 20 years! He lowered his voice and pulled Banky til he was facing him. What I fucking regret is having to lose you before I realized how I felt about you.
Banky took a deep breath, looking Holden in the eyes. Then you don´t regret kissing me? You don´t regret making me come harder than I´ve ever come in my life?
Holden laughed. Really? Harder than you´ve ever come in your life? At Banky´s nod he laughed again. Regret? That makes me fucking proud! Not bad for a first timer, eh?
Banky laughed despite himself, sagging against the wall and looking at Holden. Then nothing´s changed between what you said and now?
Holden shook his head, reaching out and taking Banky´s cap off, running his hand through Banky´s hair. Only that I might love you more, Bank.
I swear to God, Holden, if you´re fucking with me
Fuck, Banky, I´m not! Holden sighed, shaking his head. Have I ever fucking lied to you in my life?!
Banky smiled then, shaking his head. Nope, he said, his grin widening. Not to my knowledge anyway.
Holden leaned forward, kissing him again. Pulling back he sighed, looking at his watch. You should get back out there. We´ve been in here a half hour, and there´s no telling when someone else might come in.
Banky looked at his watch, frowning. Yeah, you´re not supposed to leave your post for longer than ten minutes. He looked up at Holden, doubt in his eyes again. You´re not going to leave me again, are you?
Holden shook his head. Tell ya what Bank, you go sign your books, I´ll go back to my place and clean up. When you get done you come by. That way, ball´s totally in your court. It´s up to you.
Banky smiled, nodding. Alright, he said. He leaned forward and kissed Holden, pulling him close to him for a moment before reluctantly letting go again. Two hours then?
Holden nodded. Two hours. Banky headed for the door but turned back around and frowned at Holden. What, Holden asked, looking down at himself.
Banky motioned to Holden´s pants. There´s a bathroom right there in the corner you might wanna ya know, wipe.
Holden laughed and looked down, finding the deposit of sticky residue on his left jeans leg. Holden looked back up at him and Banky winked, smiling and turning around and leaving. As Holden started walking towards the bathroom he laughed to himself. The things you do for love... or rather, the things that wind up on your pants for love.