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by kHo

“God,” he said, his head hanging limply in his hands. “Did you see her face? It was like I killed her puppy, Will…”

“He was so hurt,” she whispered from her position by his side. “He tried to look like he didn´t care but… he was so hurt.”

Xander sniffed, wiping at his eyes and turning to look at Willow. “I can´t stop seeing her,” he said, his voice filled with unshed tears. “That pipe… the blood…”

“I know,” Willow said, he hand resting lightly on his back, slowly stroking it comfortingly. “All because we couldn´t stop…”

“Yeah,” he said, nodding his head. “We couldn´t… we wanted to…”

“We definitely wanted to.”

“But we couldn´t.”

“We tried… I mean, I was even making a spell,” she said, sighing. “Except even then…”

“I know,” he said, smiling sadly at her and brushing away a piece of her hair. “Even when I didn´t want to, even when I knew we had to stop… the thought of actually stopping…”

“I know,” she said, nodding, her smile echoing his.

“It killed me, Will,” he continued, wishing she´d turn and look in his eyes. “Willow…”

“Stop,” she said, squeezing her eyes shut. “Xander, we have to stop…”

“I know,” he whispered, his throat closing up as his eyes filled with tears. “But I love you.”

She let out a slight sob then as the tears fell down her cheeks. Without bothering to reach up to wipe them away she finally met his eyes. “I love you too, Xander, but this can´t happen.”

“Why,” he growled out, clenching his hands in frustration. “Why now? Why did it have to happen now? Why couldn´t this have happened any other time in the history of us, when we were both alone?!”

She smiled slightly, shrugging. “Cause that would have been too easy.”

“Easy is good, I love easy, I´ll never get tired of easy…” he said, glaring at the ground. “Easy hates me,” he continued after a pause.

She giggled only slightly but it was enough to make him smile. “You know we can´t be together after this,” she whispered, taking his hand in hers. “Not after what happened to Cordelia…”

“Ya know,” he said, laughing and shaking his head. “Even after that, and this is what´s sick… ever after what happened, still the first thing that pops into my mind is ‘but why not?´ Why not… why not be selfish just this once, Will? Why not think of just ourselves, just this once?”


“I know,” he said, squeezing her hand in his. “We´d never be able to get past the guilt.”

“We really wouldn´t,” she said, nodding. “Plus, Xander… I really do love…”

“Please don´t say it,” he said, shutting his eyes and turning slightly away from her. “I know you do, but please… just don´t say it.”

“Okay,” she whispered, gently taking her hand out of Xander´s. “I´m sorry.”

“How did you do it,” he asked, turning and looking at her in awe. “All these years, Will. How?”

“How did I do what,” she asked, confused.


“Oh,” she said, blushing slightly. “I don´t know… you just weren´t interested.”

“I was blind,” he said, taking her hands in his again. “I was a blind idiot…”

She smiled slightly, laughing. “I know.”

Reaching out one hand he ran his fingers through her hair, his eyes running over her face. “I don´t know if I can do this,” he whispered, close to tears again. “I don´t know if I can go back after knowing…”

“We have to…”

“We have to, yes,” he said, nodding and smiling slightly. “You don´t have to keep telling me, I know.”

“I should go,” she said, making a move to stand up.

“One more kiss,” he said, tightening his grip on her hands and looking pleadingly at her. “Just one more, please…”

“Oh, Xander,” Willow said sadly. “We can´t…”

“One more,” he whispered, cupping her cheek and leaning forward, brushing her lips lightly with his own. “One last time.”

“Okay,” she said, already loosing herself in him again. “Just one, then…”

“That´s it,” he whispered against her mouth. Before she had a chance to rethink the situation he pressed his mouth to hers again, bringing his hands around her waist and drawing her closer. As his tongue delved past her lips he felt her began to shake and knew she was crying again. He felt a wetness on his cheek and they unlocked his tears as well. “I can´t lose you,” he said in a rush, pulling back and resting his forehead to hers. His hands lifted to cradle her head. “Promise me I won´t lose you.”

“You won´t lose me,” she whispered, bringing her lips up to kiss his temple. “You´ll never lose me.”

“You´re the only thing in my life worth having,” he said, staring up at her as she stood slowly. “I can´t lose you, Willow.”


“I´m not talking about that Will,” he said, standing up with her and grabbing her hands. “I´m talking about my best friend… I´m talking about the girl I´ve spent my life with already… you have to be in my life, Will.”

“I am in your life, Xander Harris,” she chided slightly, her hand resting on his chest. “Just… as friends.”

“Fine,” he said, even as the tears fell past his eyelashes. “I´ll wait for more,” he whispered, looking her in the eyes. “But you have to promise me that I´m not losing the Willow I´ve always had, cause it´s hard enough losing the one I almost had.”

“I promise,” she said, leaning forward and brushing her lips lightly across his one last time. “Friends forever, remember?”

He smiled, looking down at the ground. “Right.”

“I have to go,” she said, taking her hands out of his and bringing them up to cup his face. “We´ve got a world of hurt to fix.”

“Fix, huh,” he said, smiling ruefully down at her. “I don´t think Cordy´s punctured torso is something I can just ‘fix,´ Wills.”

“G´night, Xander,” she said, stepping into her room and shutting the door half way.

“Night, Will,” he said, feeling as though his whole world was going to shut down the minute that door shut. “I… I love you.”

“I love you too,” she said, smiling and finally shutting the door.

He turned from the door and for one second almost wished that Spike would show up again. He almost wished that Spike would put him out of his misery, and while he was at it, put the people in his life out of misery at the same time. The past few days had been a whirl of exciting and terrifying, love and sadness, hope and despair… but now it had all come to a screeching crushing halt. When he´d heard Cordy´s muffled warbling ‘oh god´ he´d felt as if the wind had been sucked right out of him. And then he´d watched as she´s plummeted from that staircase to be impaled by that rusty nasty old pipe. He knew he´d broken her heart, and he´d known that he´d also probably broken Oz´s as well.

The hardest thing about that night by far, though, was letting Willow go. He was afraid that even though she´d promised, even though she intended to follow through on it, that he´d lost more than just a chance with her. He was afraid he´d lost his best friend.

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