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[ Boredom is the Root of All Evil (And Lorne is its Bitch) ]

“Well,’ John said, sliding down the wall and slumping next to Lorne.

“Sucks,’ Lorne answered, nodding shortly.

“Yeah,’ John said, draping his arms over his knees.

Lorne sighed, dropping his head back against the grimy stone wall.  “Gotta say.  I´m gettin´ real tired of being thrown in jails for no reason.’

John snorted, glancing sideways at him.  “Not exactly my idea of a good time either, no.’

“So how long you think ‘til the cavalry shows up,’ Lorne asked, smirking at him, face half-hidden in the darkness.

“Well, we are the calvary, so.  Maybe a little longer.’

“Right,’ Lorne said, shifting his legs.  “Is your ass cold?  My ass is cold.’

“Well you´ve been sitting here longer, I´d assume,’ John said, thinking about whether or not his ass was, in fact, cold.  “The floor´s not exactly warm though.’

“They could at least throw some hay in here,’ Lorne said, sounding bored.  Good to know he hadn´t been tortured anyway.  One less thing John had to worry about.  “The damn pigs get hay to lay on, why not us?’

“Pigs,’ John said, nodding.  “Yeah, I guess they kind of are.  A little yellow and hairy for my taste, but the squeal is the same.’

“Plus, their tail is curly,’ Lorne said, swirling his hand in the air.  Then he pointed across the way to where three of the yellow hairy behemoths were and grinned.  “I named that one Charlotte.  Mostly because I saw her eat a spider earlier, and I have a really sick sense of humor when I haven´t been fed in three days.’

John nodded.  “Yeah.  To be fair though, your sense of humor kind of skews on the sick side anyway.’

“True.’  Lorne grinned at him and John grinned back.  For a man that hadn´t bathed, eaten, or probably even seen anyone for three days, Lorne was looking remarkably well.  “So boss.  How exactly did you wind up in here with me, instead of say… oh, I don´t know.  Blowing the shit out of this place and getting me out?’

John frowned.  “What, you don´t think this is part of my plan?’

Lorne raised an eyebrow.  “Not so much, no.’

“Smart man,’ John said, grimacing.  “See… Rodney´s kind of not that great at ‘covert´, and--’

“Ah.  Tipped ‘em off, huh?’

“On the plus side,’ John said, grinning a little, “I think they stuck Rodney in the same cell as Cadman, so there´s your punishment right there.’

“True.  Cadman´ll bust his balls a hell of a lot better than you or I could.’


“I spy something brown.’

“Pig shit.’


“I spy something green and round.’


“Well.  Not square.’

“Um.  The chains on your feet.’

John looks down.  “Huh.  They are green aren´t they?  That´s probably not healthy.  But no.’

Lorne sighs, propping his head in his hands and wishing the floor weren´t so damn hard for about the hundredth time.  “The ceiling.’


“Define green, sir.’

John laughed.  “Well.  When blue mixes with yellow…’

“Okay, I give up.  What´s green and round?’

John smirked down at him.  “The pea in the pig´s shit.’

Lorne´s head jerked up and he stared long and hard at the pile of steaming poo in the next cell.  “Well that´s just fuckin´ gross.’

“No, what´s gross is the fact that I think the pink thing next to it is, I think, a tongue.’

Lorne shut his eyes without looking.  


“I have three nines.’



“You really have no poker face, sir.’

“Shut up, Lorne.’


“Twenty-five… thirty-two… forty-one… oh motherfucker.’

“It´s ‘oh shit´, not ‘oh motherfucker´, and ha,’ Sheppard said picking up the pair of dice and rolling them in his hand.  “Told you to bank.’

“Well I´m not a pussy,’ Lorne said, gesturing wildly.  “I don´t bank on ten!’

John raised an eyebrow at him.  “Did you just call your CO a pussy?’

Lorne raised an eyebrow back.  “No, I called my cellmate a pussy.’  At John´s look he grinned.  “Sir.’

“All I´m saying is that I bank on ten, and I bet you twenty dollars that I´ll be at a hundred in five turns.’

“And all I´m saying, sir, is that you´re a pussy.’

John banked on twelve and grinned at him.  “That´s Lieutenant Colonel Pussy to you, Major.’



“Apple, banana.’

“Apple, banana, cucumber.’

“Apple, banana, cucumber, dill pickles.’

“Good one, sir.  You did a combo there.’

“Thank you.’

“Apple, banana, cucumber, dill pickles, fritos.’

John´s stomach growled.  “Maybe we shouldn´t be talking about food.’

Lorne handed him a power bar that was three days old and more than a little stale.  “Always be prepared, sir.’


“I always hated solitaire.’

“Me too.’

“Gotta say… watching someone else play solitaire?  Hate it worse.’

“Lorne, shut up and help me find the red nine.  I know I saw one.’


“Hmm.  Jimi Hendrix.’

“No way.  Eric Clapton.’

“Oh please.’

“Eric Clapton!’

“Hendrix could out-guitar Clapton any day!’


“Purple Haze.’

“White Room!’

“The fucking Star Spangled Banner!’

John frowned.  “Alright, I´ll give you that one.’

Lorne closed his eyes and rested his hands on his stomach.  “Thought so.’


“I win.’

“Stupidest rule ever.’

“I win sir.’

“How does paper beat rock?!  Who came up with that shit?!’

Lorne laughed.  “Do you know there´s actually a Rock/Paper/Scissors league?’

“You´re fucking with me,’ John said, his mouth dropping open.’

“Nope,’ Lorne said, shaking his head.  “Saw it on Conan.’


“Chuck Norris vs Bruce Lee.’


“Yeah, alright, so that was an easy one.  Jet Li vs Bruce Lee.’

“Sir honestly.  Anyone vs Bruce Lee is gonna be Bruce Lee.’


“I spy something brown, and spiky.’

John frowned.  “The poker?’


“The hay.’


John thought for a moment, leaning against the wall.  “The torch on the wall.’

Lorne´s mouth twitched.  “Nope.’

John tapped his fingers against his lips.  “The… the poo?’

Lorne laughed.  “It´s not spikey, sir.’

John sighed, slapping his hands on his legs.  “Fine, I give.’

Lorne opened his eyes and looked at him.  “Your hair.’

John kicked him in the side hard enough to knock the wind out of him.


“Do you have a three?’

“Go fish.’


“Callie Burke.  Freshman year.’

“Highschool or college?’

John lifted his head to look at Lorne.  “Yeah, I lost my virginity in the ninth grade.’

Lorne shrugs.  “I did.’

John sat up so fast he banged his head against the wall.  “Seriously?!’

“Well.’  Lorne laughed, shrugging.  “Not my virginity, but I did get to third base.’

John´s face scrunched up.  “Up the shirt?’

“Down the pants.’

John rolled his eyes.  “I always got those mixed up.’

“Mine was Angelle Freewater.  She was a hippie, and three years older than me.’

John snorted.  “A hippie.’

Lorne shrugged.  “A wannabe anyway.  Didn´t wear a bra.  Long hair.  Flowers.  Sandals.  The whole thing.’


Lorne´s grin widened.  “Junior.’

John sighed.  “I´m guessing not college.’



“That´s the tenth time in a row that you´ve gone for rock, sir.  I´m onto your clever plan.’

“I´m lulling you into a sense of false security.’

“Okay.  In the meantime, I think maybe I´ll just, ya know… keep playing paper.’


“I wonder if Cadman´s killed McKay yet.’

“Nah.  She´s kinda sweet on him.’

“Yeah,’ John asked, grinning.  

Lorne nodded.  “Seems bein´ stuck in the guy´s head for three days gave her a soft spot.’

John snorted.  “In her head.’

Lorne laughed.  “That´s what I´m saying.’


“One two three four, I declare a thumbwar.’

“You realize we´ve regressed to ten year olds, right?’

“Yes sir.’

“Okay.  So don´t cry when I kick your ass.’

“You mean when you kick my thumb.’





“Really, really bored.’

“You have the attention span of a gnat.’

“You forgot I was your superior again, didn´t you?’

“Not forgot.  Just don´t care.’

“Well that´s good.’

“I´ll do thirty when we get back to Atlantis.’

“You´ll do a hundred.’

“Tell you what.  Best three of five tick-tac-toes.  You win, I do a hundred.  I win, you do.’



“See what I did there?’


“I switched to scissors!’


“And you still had paper!’


“And scissors cuts paper!’

“Well that´s just fantastic for you.’

“I told you I had a plan.  I lulled you into a false sense of security.  Now you don´t know where I´m coming from.’

“Would it dull your high from winning at all if I pointed out the fact that I´m still up by like… five million?’


“Good.  Wouldn´t want you to go kill yourself or anything.’

“Is that a hint, Major?’

“Was it?  I was going for something less subtle than a hint.’


“Thought you hated playing solitaire.’

“I do.’

“Cause you suck at it?’

“Sir?  Shut up.’


“Superman versus Green Arrow.’

“Oh, Green Arrow, no doubt.’


“Green´s way gayer than red and blue.’

“But they´re both wearing spandex!’

“But the Arrow´s got that pointy hat.  Looks like an elf.’

“Superman worships phallic icicles, in his Fortress of Phallic Icicles!’

“My favorite´s still Batman.’

“Rodney´s too.’



“Can I change my answer now?’

“No.  But I´m sure Rodney´ll let you into his Dark Knight Fanclub if you ask real nice.’


“Do you have a King?’

“Go fish.’


“Oh, well isn´t this cozy.’

John opened his eyes blearily, looking up at Rodney´s annoyed expression.  “Rodney,’ he said, grinning.  “The calvary´s here.’


John looked down to where Lorne´s head was on his thigh.  “Get up, soldier.  Free at last.’

Lorne´s brow furrowed.  “Go fish.’

“Up,’ John yelled, swatting at Lorne´s head.

“I have to free the chickens,’ Lorne yelled, shooting awake and up on his feet in two seconds flat.  “Huh?’

John laughed, looking up at Rodney.  “And how was your stay?’

Cadman peered over Rodney´s shoulder, looking harried and annoyed and about two seconds from committing mass genocide.  “Can we go now, sir?’

John´s grin widened as Rodney´s face reddened and his fists clenched.  “You owe me fifty bucks, Major.’

Lorne sighed, scrubbing at his face.  “Fine.’

On the way back to the gate John turned to Lorne and smirked at him.  “The chickens?’

Lorne glared at him, his hands tightening on the P-90.  “I´ll kill you where you sleep.’

John raised an eyebrow.  “You already owe me a hundred pushups, Major, you wanna add some more?’

Lorne shut his mouth and turned to face forward.

“Hey, Rodney,’ John called, grinning at the side of Lorne´s face.  “Lorne here just loves Batman.  I thought maybe you´d like to discuss with him your favorite Eartha Kitt episodes.’

Rodney turned around and Lorne held up a hand.  “Shut it, McKay.’

Rodney´s mouth worked open as he turned to face John.  “Oh, very funny, Colonel.’

“Dead, sir,’ Lorne hissed as they neared the horizon, Teyla and Ronon already having gone through.  “In your sleep.’

John just grinned and backed his way through the wormhole.

Games, or, Geekery is my Forte

* The card game they are playing, besides Go Fish-- which if you don't know what that is you were really, really deprived as a child-- and Solitaire,  is Bullshit.

*  The dice game they are playing is what my family calls "oh shit."  When i looked it up I found it here, but that's what my family calls just plain ole "dice".  The rules to Oh Shit are two dice, if you roll a 1 or a pair you zero out, you can bank once you get to 25 and then whenever you want, and the goal is to get to 100.  It sounds easy but one game can last well over an hour.

*  The apple, banana, etc game is something we used to do on car rides, and it's called "I went to the store".  

*  Rock, Paper, Scissors.  I so wasn't lying about there being a tournament.  There's an "official society."  It's called the RPS Society.  Don't beleive me?  Here's their homepage.

*  Apparently there is no site for thumbwar, which is a shame.  But, here is it on wiki

All feedback much appreciated!
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