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[ left behind ]
by kHo

It´s not that he doesn´t get it.   Sam thinks he doesn´t get it.  Doesn´t get the appeal of living a ‘normal life.´   And it´s not that he doesn´t think normal exists.  He knows it doesn´t, but that´s not why.  He knows what Sam means.  He means having a place that doesn´t have four wheels to call home.  He means having a mailbox that you check everyday on your way inside from the car.  He means having a kitchen to cook actual food in.  He means what most people do.

He likes to argue with Sam though.  Tell him that there is no normal. That normal is just something someone invented so they could have something to compare to.  Something to use to make people feel out of place.  Something to use as an excuse; for doing something, for not doing something; for feeling a certain way, for not feeling a certain way.  Normality is subjective, and it´s so easy to punch holes in Sam´s theory.  He likes to argue, though, because arguing with Sam for him is normal.   That´s normal for him

In a perfect world, maybe he´d want it too.  There was a time, once, before he got reminded, that he thought maybe he did want it.  Cassie wasn´t perfect by any means, but he´d thought she was perfect for him.  There were ways that they fit that he still couldn´t explain.  Something in the way she looked at him that made him shut his mouth before he even opened it.  Something in the way that had her laughing before he even made the joke.

But that´s the thing, is that people don´t like to face reality.  ‘Normal´ doesn´t fit into reality.  It doesn´t allow for it.  It´s not normal to get mad at someone for dying on you, but that´s what happens.  It´s not normal to get pissed off at your brother for having something you never thought you wanted, but that´s what happens.  It´s not normal to kill a demon in one breath and eat a burger in the next, but that´s what happens.  For Dean, at least.

Sam thinks Dean doesn´t want any of it.  He thinks Dean doesn´t want a wife, or a kid.  He thinks he doesn´t want to have a couch that´s got his assprint in it where he always sits, and if you´re in it, oh boy, you better get out now.  He thinks Dean doesn´t want to barbecue in the backyard while his kids play with Sam´s kids and Sam hands him a beer and grins while they sing Led Zeppelin and their wives bat away the mosquitoes.  Sam thinks Dean doesn´t want it and he´s right.  What he doesn´t get is that Dean is just being realistic.  What´s the point in wanting something you´ll never have?

The thing is, you grow up to believe in what you know, and Dean learned everything he believes in while he was on the road and Sam was sleeping in the back of the Impala.  His Dad in the driver´s seat teaching him lessons without ever even trying while flipping the radio dial.  Sam in the passenger seat reading some god awfully long book with Dean pinched between the seats asking his Dad questions that should have been about why the sky is blue but instead were about which myths were true about vampires.

So when Sam asks why Dean doesn´t get it, why Dean doesn´t get why Sam wants this ‘normal life´, get why Sam wants to go to college and get a wife and live a happy little life with 2.5 kids and a white picket fence, Dean wants to say no.  No, Sam.  You don´t get it.

Because Dean will never leave his father.  Never.  Not for anything, or anyone.  Because he knows what it´s like to be left.

He won´t explain it to Sam though, no matter how many times he asks, no matter how much he annoys Dean, how much he pleads with him.  Dean knows what it´s like to be left, and he´s not gonna tell the person that taught him that what it feels like.

Sam can just keep on thinking Dean doesn´t get it, it´s easier that way.

Sam won´t get it anyway.

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