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[ Not Tonight Honey, I Have a Headache ]
by kHo

It's Chin's fault, really, and one day Danny might kick Chin's ass for that, but right now he's too busy appreciating the fallout.


It starts with Steve breaking twenty different laws that, yeah, fine, get them their guy in the end, but in the meantime also make Danny fear for his life one too many times. So of course Danny is doing his level best bitching as he and Steve come into the office at a quarter past three.

Chin and Kono stare at them bemusedly, as they always do, and then Chin says, “Wow, man, you really are his work-wife.”

Steve freezes to the spot and Danny runs into Steve's back and Kono collapses into her chair, hugging her arms to her stomach and cackling like a fucking hyena. “It's so true,” she says between giggles, “oh, your faces!”

Danny points at Chin. “Work-wife?”

Chin nods. “That's what I said.”

Danny frowns, and steps towards Chin, bouncing his finger in the air and looking back at Steve. “Wife,” he asks, narrowing his eyes back at Chin. “I'm his wife?”

Chin cocks his head to the side. “Yup.”

“I am nobody's wi--”

“Well you do nag me quite a bit,” Steve says, finally unfreezing and leaning back against the desk behind him, giving Danny a serene little smile.

“I don't nag--”

“Oh you do,” Kono says, finally getting a hold of herself and lowering her hands to the desk, smirking at Danny. “You nag, nag, naaaaag, nag, nag.”

Danny grits his teeth and points at Kono. “For your information,” he starts.

“Honey, honey,” Steve says, his hands landing on Danny's shoulders and squeezing. “Calm down, you know your nerves are bad.”

Danny whirls around to direct his pointing finger at Steve. “I will fucking hit you!”

“Spousal abuse,” Chin says, shaking his head and tsking. “What a sad, sad state of affairs.”

Steve shakes his head sadly as he walks over and sits down by Chin. “I think the honeymoon's over.”

Chin shakes his head just as sadly and puts a hand on Steve's knee. “There, there.”

“Try flowers,” Kono says, popping a chip in her mouth and chewing loudly. “Or chocolates.”

“Jewelry,” Chin suggests.

“Not your wife,” Danny says, and starts for his desk.

“Aw, Danno, don't go away angry,” Steve calls to his back. “I hate it when he goes to bed angry. And he never wants to have sex anymore.”

Danny stops and looks at the happy, smiling faces of his team and hates them with a fiery passion.

“Well. Maybe if you were a little nicer to me,” he says, “I would stop getting these headaches.” He then walks to his desk with as much dignity as he can summon up as the three absolutely lose it in loud gales of laughter.

Danny discovered fairly early on with this team that if you can't win, you better at least play along.


It becomes a thing after that, of course. Of course it becomes a thing.

“Honey, I’m home,” Steve says, wagging his fingers at Danny as he passes by him on the way to his office.

Danny glares at him and says, “Bite me.”


“I brought you a present, dear,” Steve says, manhandling the latest perp and grinning proudly as he presents him to Danny.

“Would it kill you to buy me a nice necklace just once,” Danny says, wiping the blood from his lip and glowering at Steve’s perfectly untouched face.


“Eat something, Danny,” Steve says, and tosses a bag of food on Danny’s desk.

“You take such good care of me, sweetie,” Danny says and digs in for a fist full of fries.


“Rude, Steve. Very very rude,” Kono says, shaking her head at him.

“Totally uncool, brah,” Chin agrees.

Steve frowns at them and puts his hands on his hips. “What?”

“Right in front of Danny,” Chin tsks, standing next to Kono and sharing a look with her. “Couldn’t even wait until he was out of ear shot.”

Steve rolls his eyes. “I wasn’t hitting on her.”

“No, it’s fine,” Danny says, looking away and sighing dramatically. “You don’t find me attractive anymore, it’s fine.”

“This is getting old, guys, really,” Steve says, and rips the girl’s number up and tosses it into the wind. “Happy?”

It’s hysterical to Danny that the joke started on him, but it was Steve that it wound up getting to.


It’s not just the team that sees it, is the thing.

No less than four different perps have referred to one of them as ‘the wife.’

Three times it’s Danny, which is to be expected, but once it was Steve. Danny had laughed about that one for three days, and Kono had left a box of tissues on Steve’s desk for a week straight.

“Don’t let him see you cry, sweetie. Be strong,” she says when Steve glares at her.


Three months after the first time Chin said it, Danny realizes it’s kind of true, because Steve winds up in the hospital needing emergency surgery from a bullet to the chest. Suddenly it’s not funny anymore when he finds himself holding Steve’s hand as they’re waiting for Steve to wake up.

“He’ll be all right, Danny,” Chin says with a hand on Danny’s shoulder.

“He’s a SEAL, you have to kill SEALs nine times at least before it takes,” Kono says, smiling at him. “You’ll see, he’ll bounce right back.”

Steve does bounce right back, flirting with the nurse thirty minutes after waking up. After the nurse leaves Steve grins over at Danny and his smile fades a little. “You weren’t worried were you?”

Danny waves a hand and snorts. “Please,” he says, rolling his eyes. “I’m not actually you’re wife.”

He suddenly understands with crystal clarity why Rachel left him.


For two weeks after Steve’s back from surgery, Danny is pissed at him.

Steve keeps trying to make it up to him, in that weird, backwards ass way Steve has. He drives more recklessly, plays ABBA on the radio loudly and sings along, and makes potshots at Bruce Springsteen.

Danny doesn’t take the bait and Steve’s hands tighten on the wheel.

He brings malasadas and Starbucks coffee every morning for a week straight for Danny, grinning down at him like a dog bringing a fresh kill and depositing a half-eaten lizard at his owner’s feet. Danny drinks the coffee, grabs a malasada, says, “Thanks,” and goes back to work.

At the end of the week Steve calls Danny into his office and looks up at him. “Okay, that’s it. What?”

Danny crosses his arms. “What, what?”

“What is your problem,” Steve asks, leaning back in his chair and crossing his arms as well. “I mean, I’m used to your regular, every-day rage, but you’re approaching homicidal post office worker pissed these days.”

Danny looks away and out of the window at the sky outside. “You almost died,” he says.

He can feel Steve staring at the side of his face but he doesn’t look at him. Finally Steve gets up and walks over to him and puts a hand on his shoulder. “Hey,” he says, voice soft. “I didn’t die, all right?”

Danny holds up two fingers pressed closely together. “This close, man. Two centimeters to the left, the doc said. Two.”

Steve’s hand squeezes Danny’s shoulder until Danny finally meets his eyes. “Sorry,” Steve says, no sarcastic remarks, no eye-rolling, no more brushing it off. “Danno, seriously. I am.”

“I worry, is all,” Danny says, shrugging and forcing a smile.

Steve grins at him and his hand wraps around the back of Danny’s neck. He pulls him forward and smacks a loud kiss to Danny’s forehead. “I’ll be more careful, honey, promise,” he says, and then smacks Danny’s ass as he leaves the office.

“All good,” Kono asks as Danny leaves the office a minute later.

Danny looks at her and reads a bit more into the good humor than he normally does. She’s probably known all along, he thinks. “Yeah,” he says, letting out a breath. “He’s such a jackass.”

She grins wider. “Hey, you’re the one who married him.”


“I thought I asked you to take out the garbage,” Danny says, hands on his hips as he stares at the three garbage bags filled to the brim with leftovers and shredded paper.

“I was watching the game,” is Steve’s reply.

“You gotta train him, Danny,” Chin says, grinning as he eats his pizza. “You haven’t broken his spirit yet, he still thinks he’s his own person.”

“Actually, I respond most favorably to the rewards system,” Steve says, grinning and making a kissy face at him.

Danny swats him upside the head. “Take out the fucking garbage, it’s your turn.”

Steve sighs and stands. “Yes, dear.”

“Or hitting,” Kono says around her straw, slurping up strawberry daiquiris. “Hitting works too.”


Danny gets ambushed one night in his sleep, his fingers closing over his gun just as his face gets smashed in with the back of a rifle. He’s tied up for fourteen hours before the gang shows up, and the wild fury in Steve’s eyes when they light on Danny’s busted nose makes Danny grin.

“You’re moving out of your piece of shit apartment now, Danny, do you hear me?”

Danny grins up at him from the passenger seat of the car. “Aw, babe. You think I can’t take care of myself?”

“I think you got fucking taken in the middle of the night by some two-bit punks that never woulda made it past my security system is what I think!”

Danny laughs and stuffs a stick of gum in his mouth. “If I didn’t know any better I’d think you were asking me to move in with you.”

“Until you find a better place I’m not asking, I’m telling,” Steve says, hands gripping the wheel tightly.

Danny reaches out to ruffle Steve’s hair but Steve catches his hand and holds it tightly in his own. “Hey,” Danny says, smile fading. “I’m okay, man.”

Steve drops his hand and breathes for a moment and Danny watches him closely. “Like you said,” Steve says, flicking his eyes towards him. “I worry, is all.”

Danny sacks out on Steve’s couch for the week it takes to find a place that Steve deems safe enough. He doesn’t sleep that much, what with Steve sitting on the chair opposite him and watching him the whole time.


“I’m bored,” Danny whines.

Steve nods, eyes drifting closed as he stares at the files in front of them. “Yeah, me too.”

“Let’s knock off. Do something.”

“Okay,” Steve says, nodding.

Danny waits, but nothing else comes. “What do you want to do?”

Steve thinks. “I dunno, what do you want to do?”

“I don’t know,” Danny says with a shrug. “It’s up to you.”

Steve frowns. “No, you.”

“No,” Danny says, narrowing his eyes at Steve. “You.”

“Oh for crying out loud, it’s the same thing every night, neither of you makes a damn decision,” Kono says, picking up her car keys. “Let’s just go get drunk off our asses at Steve’s.” With that she heads out to her car, Chin on her tail.

“Sounds like a plan to me,” Steve says, grinning.

“Lead the way, babe,” Danny says, and tosses Steve the keys.


The payoff happens one night after a long, exhausting, annoying, forty-eight-hours-with-no-sleep case. The perps are behind bars, Chin had driven Kono home after she passed out on Steve’s couch, and Steve and Danny are watching cartoons and drinking beer.

“The funny thing is, I’m not tired,” Steve says, his knee pressing into Danny’s.

“Adrenaline’s a bitch,” Danny says. “I’m so fucking exhausted I feel like I can’t move, but every time I close my eyes they pop right back open.”

Steve slouches, his shoulder pressing into Danny’s. They’d each taken turns taking showers earlier and Steve smells like dial soap and Budlight. Every time Yosemite Sam opens his mouth to say anything, Steve laughs, and it rumbles in the bottom of Danny’s stomach.

Danny laughs as Bugs once again makes for his escape when he looks over and sees Steve staring at him with a look on his face that makes his laugh choke off and die. “Steve?”

“How’s your headache,” Steve asks, and his voice is a low rumble, his eyes focused on Danny’s.

Danny opens his mouth to say it’s still pretty much horrible but then Steve’s hand is on Danny’s leg and the look in Steve’s eyes suddenly makes all the sense in the world. “No headache,” he manages, licking his lips and watching Steve’s eyes follow his tongue. “No headache whatsoever.”

Steve’s hand slides up Danny’s leg and his eyes flick up to meet Danny’s. “Yeah?”

Danny reaches over and grabs the back of Steve’s neck. “Yeah,” he says, and then he kisses him, pressing his mouth to warm, soft lips.

Steve moans into the kiss and then leans back and says, “Honeymoon back on?” his eyes twinkling with amusement.

“I’m not your fucking wife,” Danny says, and grabs Steve’s hand, moves it to his hardon. “Now shut up and kiss me.”

Steve’s hand delves up the inside of Danny’s shirt as he kisses him again, tongue winding with Danny’s until Danny’s dizzy with it. Everywhere Steve’s fingers go a hot blaze of fire follows, and when Steve moans again as his thumb flicks over Danny’s nipple Danny shudders from head to toe with want.

Steve shoves Danny suddenly, laying him down on the couch and crawling on top of him, leg pressing between Danny’s and providing just the right kind of friction against Danny’s cock to be not enough. He kisses the breath right out of Danny’s lungs.

“Been wantin’ this forever,” Steve whispers against Danny’s lips, fingers popping the first button on Danny’s shirt.

“What took you so long, then,” Danny groans back, pressing himself against Steve’s leg because it’s just not enough, there’s not enough pressure there, he needs more, now, immediately.

Steve grins down at him and continues unbuttoning Danny’s shirt, excruciatingly slowly. “Wasn’t sure you were interested.”

“You’re an idiot,” Danny says, and reaches up to peel Steve’s t-shirt off over his head, tossing the t-shirt aside and running his fingers down Steve’s chest to hook into his belt loops, pulling him tighter against him. “I’m not delicate, stop being so careful.”

Steve grins and then rips Danny’s shirt open, leaning down to suck hard on Danny’s neck. It makes Danny buck up into him and keen in the back of his throat.

“Fuck, Steve, I liked this shirt,” he says, despite the fact that he doesn’t mind at all because Steve’s fingers are working steadfastly to unbutton and unzip his jeans.

“It’ll look better on my floor,” Steve says against Danny’s ear, and then traces the line of Danny’s collarbone with his tongue before biting into his shoulder. He shoves his hand inside Danny’s jeans and palms Danny’s cock through his underwear. “Right next to all the rest of your clothes, because I want you naked.”

Steve shoves Danny off of him and sits up, jerking his shirt off. “Strip, now,” he orders, and then nearly topples Steve to the floor in the process of getting his jeans off. He glares at Steve as Steve starts laughing and reaches over to unbutton and unzip Steve’s jeans. “I said, strip.”

“Yes, sir,” Steve says, still laughing, and kicks his jeans and underwear off onto the floor.

Danny runs his hands down Steve’s sides to his hips, eyeing Steve’s hard cock and biting his lip. “Okay, brain hiccup. I got no clue what to do from here.”

Steve laughs again and then kisses him, laying him back down on the couch. “It’s okay, honey,” he says, amusement mixing with his lustful tone. “I’ve got you.”

“Don’t call me that when we’re naked,” Danny says, or means to because the words die in his throat as Steve’s cock lines up with his and Steve’s tongue delves back into his mouth.

In no time at all they have a rhythm going, their cocks rubbing together in time to their tongues, Steve’s hand digging into Danny’s thigh as he holds him in just the right position.

“Danny,” Steve moans, ripping his mouth away and burying it in Danny’s throat as he moans. “Danny, Danny, Jesus.”

“Yeah,” Danny says, bucking up against him and grabbing Steve’s ass with both hands, pushing him down on top of him. “Harder, more, I need… Steve.”

Steve shifts and then the friction is just right, just perfect, and they’re both panting and groaning, and just when Danny’s about to come Steve sucks hard enough to leave a hicky at the juncture of Danny’s throat and shoulder.

Danny comes and Steve’s hips jerk once, twice, three times, and then Steve comes too, pressing his forehead to Danny’s shoulder as he groans loudly and presses their cocks together.

“Oh,” Steve says, sinking all of his weight bonelessly on top of Danny. “We are doing that a million times.”

“Okay, but get off me, you’re making my legs fall asleep,” Danny says, shoving at him.

Steve doesn’t move, just laughs and laughs as Danny grumbles and tries to pry him off of him.


Steve grins at Danny from across the room and sends him a wink. “Having fun with all that paperwork, Danno?”

“Shut up,” Danny snaps, and flips him the bird.

“Aw, but sweetie, I like it when you furrow your brow like that. It’s all manly and sexy,” Steve says, grinning wider.

“You guys ever notice how we stopped joking about that months ago,” Chin asks, perching on the end of Danny’s desk.

“Yeah, not so much a joke anymore, Chin,” Kono says, digging into her food. “Keep up, cuz.”

Chin grins. “Just thought I’d see if they’d cop to it.”

“Get off my fucking desk,” Danny says, shoving at Chin’s ass with his pencil.

“Hey,” Steve says. “No touching peoples asses that aren’t mine.”

Danny rolls his eyes and buries his face in his hands as Kono and Chin bust out laughing.

Yeah, okay. Still kicking Chin’s ass.

All feedback much appreciated!
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