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[ do or don't ]
by kHo

Rocks skitter skipped across the parking lot and Dean raised his head, stamping his cigarette out on the bottom of his shoe and dropping the butt to the ground.  His breath stank like an ashtray, he could smell it on his fingers, and there was no way his father didn't know, but he still didn't think he should do it in front of him.

John rounded the truck and leaned up against the side of the tailgate, soft smile playing on his face as he looked right into Dean's eyes.  Dean looked away, because it was just too much.  “So,’ John said, hitting the side of the truck with a flat palm.

Dean nodded.  “So.’

“I was just wondering,’ John said, turning and taking a seat next to Dean, leaning back and propping himself up on his hands, tilting his head to look at Dean.  “When am I gonna get my son back?’

Dean rolled his eyes.  “I don't know, Dad.  Four years?’

John shook his head.  “Wrong son, Deano.’

Dean looked at him, frowning.  “What?’

“You,’ John said, sitting up straighter and bumping his shoulder into Dean's.  “I was just wondering when you were gonna stop moping around like your dog died and start being my son again.’

Dean just pursed his lips.  “Don't have a dog.  Couldn't have died.’

“Right,’ John said, nodding.  “Because I meant that literally.’

Dean heaved a sigh and almost reached inside his pocket for another cigarette.  “What do you want, Dad?  I'm pissed.’

“That much is clear,’ John said, leaning closer and looking at him.  “But at who?  Sammy, or yourself?’

Dean looked at him.  “Sam's the one who left.  I didn't do anything.’

“No, you didn't,’ John said, nodding his head and staring into Dean's eyes.  “Never have.  Think maybe that's the problem.’

Dean's frown deepened.  “Dad.  You're doing that thing where you're saying something without saying it.  You know I hate it when you do that.’

John laughed and reached over to sling his arm around Dean's shoulders.  “What I'm saying, Dean, is that maybe the fact that you've always been the son that never complained, that never defied me, maybe that's what you're pissed about.’

Dean rolled his eyes.  “Whatever that means.’

John just looked at him, his arm tightening around him until Dean was pressed up against his side.  “You're pissed because Sammy had the guts to say all the things you've thought but never said.’

Dean's eyes flew wide.  “What?!’

John nodded.  “Robbing you of a childhood.  Forcing my crusade on you.  Fucking you up.’

Dean jerked away and stood up, turning to face him.  “That's bullshit, Dad.  Sam's an idiot.’

John just smiled.  “Well he got into Stanford.  Can't be too much of an idiot.’

Dean scowled and kicked at the rocks in front of him.  “Whatever.’

“Well,’ John said, standing up and smirking at him.  “It's like the movies say, kiddo.  Do or don't.’

Dean looked up at him.  “What?’

“If I'm on my own, I wanna know now,’ John said, backing up towards the hotel room, smile still on his face but cold determination in his eyes.  “Don't fiddle fuck around trying to find your true destiny.  Take it and seize it, because abandon us or not, that's all that Sammy did.  He figured out what he wanted, and he took it.  And I reckon you should get the same choice.’

Dean met John's eyes and held them.  “I'll never leave you Dad.’

John's eyes drifted away, looking at something far off in the distance, and it was moments like these that Dean knew he was seeing Mary.  “No,’ John said finally, smiling and stuffing his hands in his pockets.  “I don't guess you ever will.’

Dean lit up another cigarette and tried to figure out why his dad had sounded disappointed at that.

* "do or do not, there is no try" - Yoda, Star Wars

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